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Friday, June 16, 2006

Okay so yes. I did post a bunch of funnies that were emailed to me. That’s just fine to do in my book because they made me laugh and that’s a good thing to share amongst friends.

But now, I have something to tell you about ME. Yes, me.

Last Sunday, I decided to defrost the 21 lb. turkey from the freezer because I needed the room. I set it in the fridge and figured I had a couple days to go before I could make it.

By Tuesday, I had forgotten about it.

Thursday, my eye caught a glimpse of it on the bottom shelf. I gasped, and then I did what every does to see if it was thawed.

I poked it.

It felt like a soft, out of shape fat child and judged it must have been completely thawed around Wednesday sometime.

I really don’t know how long birds can be thawed out before going bad, and the last thing I wanted was to have to throw this yummy portly corpse out - because among other things, I don't like to think that anything, even a turkey, would die in vain - so I found myself with no alternative but to cook it. That night.

Yes. If I had been more organized or less forgetful, I would have marinated that beast Wednesday and put it in the oven Thursday BEFORE I went to class at 6:30pm...

And perhaps, I might have even skipped class so I could take care of this mess.

But I didn’t. And I'm not, so I went, and I did.

I went to class, swung my sword around for an hour, left at 7:30 and then headed out for a quick store run for a turkey bag, which is essential on nights like this one.

I ended up checking out with a turkey bag, a can of gravy, two super monstrous artichokes, some fresh "poultry" herbs, a can of creamed corn (ewwww blah – Earl’s) and a little thing of sour cream.

Then right before I exited the store, I realized I needed buttermilk because I suddenly didn’t think that I wanted "baked" potatoes with my turkey even though they were easier, but everyone knows you have to eat mashed potatoes with turkey because of the whole gravy thing.

So back around I went and grabbed the buttermilk, which I was surprised that I didn’t buy in the first place because I remember heading towards it after buying the sour cream but was distracted by something, most likely Ho-Ho's (cause they be right there) and never got to the milk section. But anywho, I had the buttermilk now and stupid me didn’t even realize it was only $.82 and used my check card to pay for it...

So off I went with my turkey making groceries, when suddenly I noticed it was now 8:23pm.

How the hell do you spend almost an hour buying less than 15 items? I don't rightfully know.

I get home, wash my hands, and start prepping the bird.

Poultry is about the only thing I can cook, for real. I can even experiment with new ideas because I am comfortable with it. Earl leaves turkeys and chickens in my hands, while he does absolutely everything else that one would eat. I was so thankful when he offered to do the mashed potatoes because mine always turn out like potato pudding. Go figure.

I washed the bird and then attempted to squeeze my hand down his, er, thorax or whatever that is, to grab the gizzards –

I TRIED to get my hand in there. For a big ass bird, he had the smallest of cavities. I had use my left hand - because it is smaller - and still had to take my rings off. I thought I might have to dislocate my thumb to get in there, but eventually I got the junk and pulled it. Then I stuffed the herbs and some butter patties under his skin and gave it a turkey massage really good. Finally, I put his ass in the bag and tossed him in the oven…

…At 9:10pm.

Earl was already done with the potatoes and I had the artichokes ready on the side. The turkey bag directions predicted the bird would be done in 3 – 3 ½ hours, so we started watching Running Scared, the newest DVD out at Blockbuster.


Around 12:10am the bird was done –

May I remind you all, this is yesterday - in other words - it was THURSDAY and YES - WE HAD TO WORK THE NEXT DAY.

So incidentally, Earl never made it to 12:10am. He fell asleep and never got to experience the wonderful turkey goodness fresh out of the oven.

Can I just tell you how strange it was to be cooking so late on a school night and then eating a whole Thanksgiving meal after midnight by myself? And yes, there were biscuits.

I did not however make gravy. I am not a good gravy maker - although in my defense, I have never really ever tried - but I am perfectly capable of eating turkey without it.

Earl thinks that sacrilegious.

I guess then, technically, I could have eaten that baked potato... although I must say that Earl's mashies were the best EVER.

But it was ALL just SOOO GOOOOD. Very good. All of it.

I went to bed at 1:40am.

And then I woke up at 4am because my brain started thinking without my permission. Don’t know what it was thinking, but it was.

I slept in until 6am.

I predicted that it would be an early Friday night – But here I sit at 9:15pm blogging about this (9:45 editing it) and am WIDE AWAKE

Guess I’m not as old as I thought I was. I can still party like the best of ‘em. I am looking forward to staying up until AT LEAST… 11pm.

An Oldie but a Goodie...

Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and had to summarize exactly what happened in a few words or less on insurance accident forms. The following quotes were taken from the forms and published in the “St. Paul Dispatch” July 26, 1977. Keep in mid these are actual attempts made by policy holders to describe how and why their accidents occurred:

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove in to a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for four years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctors with rear trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as I backed in the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my vehicle, and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced of my car.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cow.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and the passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

I was sure that the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

And while I'm at it - here's another good laugh:

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I knowwhere my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch whenI ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room forthe T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change thechannel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damnright! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people dothis? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, Ipaid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me achoice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, thenthere has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then theremust have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damnthing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus comeyet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?