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Sunday, May 08, 2005

Not to discourage anyone from submitting entries to our Brain Fart Awards - please, still do!

But I have to blog on.

I've been reading again...

Yes, it's true. I've been indulging in one of our countries greatest journalisitc minds of our generation - Chuck Shephard.

In this month's issue of "News Of The Weird", Chuck reports on some particularly good yougottabefuckingkidingme news.

Please remember, this is, for what its worth, actual news...

"A man fled after attempting to rob a shopkeeper in Central Park Plaza in Jacksonville, IL. in January by first threatening her and then slapping her several times with a fly swatter."

- Didn't anyone ever tell this guy he could attract more flies with honey than with a fly swatter??

"A pregnant woman named Akono was quoted in a March Agence France-Presse dispatch from London during demonostrations against U.S. policy in Iraq as saying she planned to intesify her own protest by soon going on a hunger strike, reasoning that she wants "to do everything I can to make sure my child has a secure future."

- Ahhh. Just in time for Mother's Day...

"Cleveland paralegal Austin Aitken filed a lawsuit against the TV show Fear Factor for $2.5 million, claiming that the episode in which contestants ate dead rats made him ill, causing him to vomit, become dizzy, and hit his head as he ran from the room in disgust."

- You can sue anybody for anything, right mr. paralegal? I'm not even going to capitalize you.

"Sanitation workers in Nairobi, Kenya, finally, after 10 years of complaints, cleaned up the Wakulima Market (the country's largest fruit an vegetable facility), dislodging an estimated 750 tons of garbage, 38 tons of human waste, and about 6,000 rats."

- Okay that's just disgusting

"William Woodard, 39, suspected by police in the Trenton, NJ. area of more than 50 burglaries, was arrested in March, and authorities said they were confident they could match him to what had become one of the "signatures" of the crime spree: radom splotches of excrement at several crime scenes. In the course of the arrest, a highly nervous Woodard failed to control his bowles, and police have submitted samples for DNA testing."

- Why those of us with digestive problems should NOT consider careers in burglary.