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Friday, January 13, 2006

Friday the thirteenth is an unlucky day.

Today is in fact, Friday the 13th. To make matters worse, tonight is also a full moon.

Full moons are serious bidness folks. I’m certain every one of you have experienced the crazies coming out during full moons. Well aren’t we lucky. We get to combined that with Friday the 13th. Should make for an interesting evening.

I’ve taken the liberty to compile a list of things that bring Bad Luck. This way, you can have a fighting chance. At first glance, the list appears overwhelming. It may seems there is little hope for you out there and you are inevitably doomed.

But have no fear my friends, for I have also produced a list of things that will bring Good Luck, thus counteracting the negativity gloom you may be facing.

For instance, everyone knows the two biggest, badest bad luck bringers –

The Ladder and The Black Cat.

Now, I believe a well-informed brain makes for a smarter being, so for your sake here is the reasoning behind those two main bad luck bringers.

Walking under ladders – A leaning ladder forms a triangle which represents the Holy Trinity and walking underneath violates the Trinity, putting you in the league with the Devil himself.

Black cats crossing your path – Christians, wanting to rid society of all traces of other religions, convinced the ignorant that black cats were demons in disguise and should thus be destroyed. In the process, they also destroyed the kindly ladies who cared for the cats, believing them to be witches. Being demons, a black cat crossing your path would create a barrier of evil, cutting you off from God and blocking the entrance to heaven.

I think you may notice a pattern here. Um, why do these things always seem to involve the freaky Holy Rollers??

But remember, I promised to help you counteract the negativity. So I am prepared to not only share with you the bad luck bringers, but to also offer you remedies to save your ass…

Say you break a mirror. You just gave yourself 7 years of bad luck – The remedy? Bury the pieces outside in moonlight. See? Now you’re fine.

Whoops. Opened the umbrella inside the house again, didn’t you? Don’t worry. Just hang some scissors on a hook.

Got some goldfish in your house? Sorry, its bad luck. Put them outside in the pond and you’ve just found good luck.

There will be no sleeping on the table or leaving new shoes on the table. But if you do, you can sleep on un-ironed sheets.

Also, you will not be allowed to sit on the table – unless one foot is touching the ground, then you’re safe.

Chasing someone with a broom is bad, but you redeem yourself by picking up a pencil in the street.

Bad luck will come if you let birds or bats come in through your window – however, if it is a robin, then you are bringing Good Luck in.

It’s bad luck to refuse a kiss under the mistletoe. However, if you carry an acorn in your pocket, you’ll be alright.

Its never safe to drop a dishcloth, but if you do, pick up a piece of coal that has fallen in your path.

Its bad luck to get out of bed on the same side you got in on. In case this happens, next time make sure you get out left foot first on the other side.

Accidentally rocked an empty rocking chair? Have no fear – just take a walk in the rain.

Let’s say you kill an albatross while on a ship. That will cause bad luck to the ship and all upon it. That’s a bad one. If you can find some dolphins swimming near by, that’s a good start. To be sure, a naked woman on board will calm the sea.

A bride must wear: something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue to avoid bad luck. If she doesn’t, she can wear her dress inside out. In addition, wearing a veil will protect her from the evil eye.

You are asking for trouble if youre caught singing at the table, especially if you are singing before breakfast. However, if you sneezed 3 times before breakfast you’ll be okay.

Wearing opal if it’s not your birthstone is bad luck. Wearing your own birthstone is good luck.

Here’s a biggy. Never spill the salt. Never EVER spill the salt and the pepper at the same time or the force of this ill omen is doubled. If this is the case, you better double up and bring a cricket in the house as well as turn seven times in a clockwise circle.

A 5-leaf clover is bad. A 4-leaf clover is good.

During a toast, if you break a glass, you’re screwed. However, if you spill the wine, you’ll be okay.
Heard a rooster crow at the night? Uh oh. Go meet three sheep and things will be great.

Cutting your nails on a Friday (as in TODAY) is very bad. Hopefully you’ll find a ladybug on you.
Red and white flowers will bring you bad luck, as well as violets blooming out of season, and no blossom must ever be cut from the tree and brought into the house before May 1 – But shit happens and sometimes these things are unavoidable. Try sleeping facing south.

3 butterflies together is a bad sign. Finding 9 peas in a pea pod rocks!

A dog barking suddenly for no apparent reason in a house that has a sick person in it will bring bad luck, but hearing cricket singing will bring back the good.

Bad luck is crossed knives, while good luck would be looking at the new moon over your right shoulder (NEVER over your left!!)

Broke a plate? Especially one that wasn’t already been cracked? Oh boy. Better break some clear or uncolored glass to save yourself.

You never want to fasten a button into the wrong buttonhole, picking up a pin or dropping a glove will help matters.

Never allow a golfer to borrow your partners umbrella, but if you do, you can still have a successful day by starting your round with odd numbered clubs and don’t use balls with numbers higher than 4. Golfing in the rain is good too.

You’re going to want to avoid giving a knife or any other sharp instrument as a gift unless you receive something in exchange.

Seeing an owl during daylight, or hearing an owl hoot 3 times can bring nothing but misery, but finding a horseshoe or some peacock feathers will make it all better.

Putting a hat on a bed is bad, but keeping a lock from baby’s first haircut is good.

If a picture falls, better grab a rabbit’s foot.

If you don’t wear new clothes at Easter, you should find a penny heads up.

An itch inside your nose is bad while an itch on top of your head is good.

You always want to avoid throwing stones into the sea, but if you do, make sure to knock on some wood.

And if you should ever pass anyone on the staircase, keep your fingers crossed but only on one hand.

Well, it would seem that there are more bad luck things on my list, and I will tell you what they are so you can be on guard: Remember that evil spirits cannot harm you when you are standing in a circle, garlic will protect you from vampires, always say God bless you when someone sneezes, and eat an apple day to keep the doctor away.

But most importantly - never ever put the left shoe on before the right. Worse yet, never put the right shoe on the left foot, or vice versa.

  • If you receiving a container of food, you must never return the container empty
  • If you shiver, someone is casting a shadow on your grave
  • Never give someone a purse or wallet without money in it
  • Never give away a wedding present
  • Never completely rake out a fire before retiring. A few embers should always be left.
  • Never mend a garment while you are wearing it
  • Never sign a lease or any contract in the months of April, July, or November (pay attention Granny, this one's for you!)

But that’s not all! I have few surprises for my readers. Some facts that you should all live by to make your life as easy as possible:

  • If you step on a crack, you’ll break your mother's back
  • Our fate is written in the stars
  • At the end of a rainbow is a pot of gold
  • If you blow out all of the candles on your birthday cake with the first breath you will get whatever you wish for.
  • An itchy palm means money will come your way
  • A cat has nine lives
  • Eating fish makes you smart
  • Toads cause warts
  • To have a wish come true using a wishbone, two people make a wish, then take hold of each end of the bone and pull it until it separates. The person with the longer end gets his or her wish
  • If the bottom of your feet itch, you will make a trip
  • When a dog howls, death is near
  • A sailor wearing an earring cannot drown
  • To cure a sty, rub it with a gold wedding band
  • Animals can talk at midnight on Christmas Eve
  • A drowned woman floats face up, a drowned man floats face down
  • A person cannot drown before going under three times
  • To drop a fork means a woman will visit
  • To drop a knife means a man will visit
  • To drop a spoon means a child will visit
  • Washing a car will bring rain
  • A cat will try to take the breath from a baby
  • Warm hands, cold heart
  • Cold hands, warm heart
  • Smell dandelions, wet the bed
  • Killing a sparrow will curse your soul from reaching the after-life
  • A forked branch, held with a fork in each hand, will dip and point when it passes over water

See? I take care of you. Don’t worry, we’ll be okay. But it wouldn’t hurt for y’all to chime in tomorrow, just for a quickie, so I know you’re okay.

And don’t forget, in ancient Ireland if a traveler was to happen upon a woman with red hair he must turn around and start his journey all over again.

~ Geez. Aren't most women in Ireland red heads? Those poor travelers never got any where!