I was visiting
Hipster Vodka Tonic's blog (very good!) when it reminded me of a funny little story that happened to Earl and me awhile back...
It was a beautiful summer night around 11:30pm, and the great Pennsylvania sky was warm and clear. Earl and I were on our way home, driving in our legal car, doing the legal speed limit, obeying the rules of the road. We had our windows down and the sunroof open, blaring the CD player. Oh, it was good fun. Just like the old days. Cruising through the streets of South Side Bethlehem with the tunes on... really, really good… and really, really loud.
How loud was it? It was… 400 watt amp in the back and two 300 12" inch dual voice cone sub woofers in the trunk… loud. It was… make the back windshield bounce 1/8" up and down and render the mirrors virtually useless… loud.
So off we go, trying to be cool. Two white people in Puerto Rican Ville. I had my bare feet on and was gripping the soft dashboard with my painted toes. The wind was flowing through my hair and grazing off Earl’s shaved head - and all was good in the world. About two blocks from home, we approached a cop who had someone pulled over. I remember thinking, poor guy, wouldn’t want to him. But as we drove by, the cop turned and watched us go by (never a good sign). I watched him look at us but knew I was too close to home to worry about anything.
We drove a little farther down the road when the pretty red lights started flashing behind us.
"We're getting pulled over", Earl says.
"What? Why? What we'd do?" I replied.
"I don't know, but we're about to find out", he replied and pulled the car to the side.
The cop came up to the window, asked for the normal stuff and stepped back to check it with his flashlight.
"Isn't that the cop we just passed?" I whispered.
"Yup", Earl mumbled.
"He left the guy he had pulled over to pull us over?"
"Yup".
The cop handed Earl back the stuff, and asked us if we knew why he pulled us over. We responded that we were clueless.
Cop: "Your music was too loud."
Earl: "Oh... SSSSorry about that, I didn't think it was that loud... " Earl looked a little bewildered. We’ve never been pulled over for loud music in our car before.
Cop: "Oh it was loud. Eminem - Without Me."
Earl: "Damnnn. Guess you got me there."
Cop: "Step out of the car, Mr. Sellers"
As soon as he said that, I thought for sure he was going to arrest Earl. That's Earl's luck. Earl gets in trouble for things you would never dream of. Earl gets arrested for things other people do. That's just what Earl's luck is all about. If there’s a cop around, we’ll be introduced pretty darn quickly.
Earl stepped out of the car, turned and faced the door, and assumed the position.
The cop starred at his back. "Um. How many times have you been arrested, Mr. Sellers?"
Earl cocked his head to the side and could see the cop was smirking. "Oh, sorry, force of habit." He turned himself back around.
Meanwhile, I'm sitting in the car wondering what the hell I was going to do to get him out of the slammer. I didn't even know what he was being 'arrested' for. I mean, was loud music that much of a crime? Just then, another cop car pulled up behind the first one. Oh my God! We’re in so much trouble! I turned to look and saw the first cop putting Earl in the back seat of the cruiser.
I jerked back around.
DON'T move so fast, dumbass! They'll think you’re guilty of something... And don't move your arms. They'll think you're hiding something. And don't turn your head, you don't want them thinking you're doing anything... Stop looking in the mirror!! Are you crazy?? Just sit. Don't move. Don't look. Don't breath.
"Ma'am".
I jumped five feet and turned to my right to see a big cop face in my window.
"Oh. Hello." I said.
It was the second cop. He smiled at my shattered nerves, and said "Don't worry, the other officer will be with you soon".
"Oh, great. Then. I'll just. Be. Here."
At that exact moment, another 'blasting music car' flew by and my cop skedaddled so fast he looked like Fred Flintstone running in place. In two seconds, the second cruiser flew by with lights a-flashing and sirens a-blasting.
So I sat. I starred at the dashboard and counted the dust particles. I watched pedestrians walking by staring at me like I was going downnnn. I glared at the floorboards for any drugs or guns that might have mysteriously appeared while I wasn't looking, and I thought about all the horrible things they would do to me in prison...
Just then, Earl opened the door and got back in the driver's seat.
"Oh my God! He let you go! Are you okay? Are we going to jail??"
Earl looked at me and laughed. In fact, he said that cop and him had been laughing at me the whole time Earl was sitting in the cruiser. He said the cop and him were saying stuff like, 'Look how nervous she is!' and 'Look at her looking all around like she's lost in her own car'.
"Well, I'm glad you all got a kick out of it" I said.
Then Earl showed me the $100 ticket we just got for having our music up too loud. Apparently, if the cop can hear it within the length of a school bus, it's too loud. And now that Bethlehem has a new loud noise ordnance program in effect, we should be more careful. The good news is that Earl told the cop if he really wanted to find loud music, he should come visit the corner where we live -
And the very next night, that same cop had someone pulled over in front of our house for just that reason.
We learned our lesson, at least while we live in this town. Everytime we see a cop we turn our radio down so that we can't even hear it. It's actually a sort of fun, sick game with us now - turn the music off before the cop hears us.
And the funniest part is that we were doing exactly what we can't stand other people doing. I hate it when people have the music so loud in their cars that it forces everyone to listen to it. And it never even sounds good that loud. Unless they have a fabulous sound system, you can't even tell when song is playing. The occupants sit there with their sunglasses on, nodding their heads to the music, like we're supposed to shout to them, DUDE! HOT TUNE, BITCH'N CAR, YOU KICK ASS FOR BEING SO COOL!!
It's never happened, and it never will.
