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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Tonight I laughed so hard I couldn’t breath and I almost peed myself. There is no better feeling than that - Actually, there is. And that’s the fact that I was laughing that hard at myself.

I did it again folks. I completely embarrassed myself once again. And I’m convinced it is not the work of the gods, but by some demon. It has to be.

From tampon flinging to going commando to work - all in one week. And Jen told me not to ask ‘what’s next’…

I give you this –

At 8:15 tonight, we just finished our Pilates class. I was talking to one of the women in my class when I decided to reach for my water bottle sitting on the floor. I had the feeling of something in the back of my throat but thought nothing of it.

So in the middle of this woman’s conversation, I bent down to pick up my water, which caused a tiny tickle in my throat and I let out a simple cough

And out shot the biggest ball of phlegm I’ve ever seen in my life.

It looked like a giant white Jawbreaker.

But it didn’t just go anywhere; in fact, it was stopped in mid air by a web of mucus that was stuck to my bottom lip.

And there it dangled. Back and forth. Back and forth.

I could see it, and I could see the woman seeing it. And knew I had to act quickly. So naturally, I slapped my hand up to try and push it back into my mouth. But it wouldn’t go.

It would not go back into my mouth.

It was a stubborn, slimy piece of translucent white goo that came from the depths of my lungs and it was not letting go.

Meanwhile, the woman was still talking to me like it simply wasn’t happening but I could sense her eyeballs locked in on the loogy’s swinging motion.

So I pulled my hand back and although the wad decided to now stick to my palm, the angry little mucus web had other plans of staying on my lip.

As I used the other hand to wipe the slop from my mouth, I knew I had to say something - so I got this out,

“You just made me spit”.

What did I just say to her? I knew the poor woman had not said anything that was funny enough to make anyone spit, but what else was I going to go with? I hadn’t heard a word she said for the last several seconds…

So here she is staring at me, probably thinking that that was THE most disgusting thing she had seen in awhile – and probably also wondering where the slimy mass was exactly.

I couldn’t have been more obvious but to walk away with my hand cupped, but what could I do? And of course the door was shut and I had to use my cupped hand to open it because my other one was busy holding onto my gym bag.

So we walked outside and she was doing a great job of acting like none of this had bothered her. She’s continued to talk while I’m flinging my hand trying to get it off. It wasn’t going anywhere.

Finally, I bid her fond farewell and made it to my car, upon which I threw the door opened and grab a napkin. That is where this whole week of mishaps really sunk in and I lost my shit behind the wheel. I couldn’t even see the road because of the tears of laughter swelling up inside them.

So I laughed at myself all the way home. And I thought, Oh finally! Something to blog about! The most disturbing part of what had happened is that it wasn’t the first time. It was the second.

When I was a little girl, I laughed so hard at church that I drooled on the choir director’s hand. The look on her face made me think that I was going to hell. I was so afraid that one day, while I wasn’t looking, drool would shoot out of nowhere and touch someone… All these years, that memory was lodged in the back of my brain as one of the more horrible moments in my life.

And here, today, right now, although my loogy didn’t hit anyone’s hand, it was enough to break myself free.

I laughed harder today than I have in years, and it was all at myself. I am rejoicing. I am having an ice cold beer as we speak and I am enjoying who I am.

Until tomorrow when I have to see that woman again.