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Saturday, April 03, 2004

I've had so much on my mind lately that I have too much to write about. I want so badly to just sit here at this keyboard and spill my guts in a lovely poetic way, so that readers can leave with a sense of awe, like I just knocked their socks off with my words. Alas, I'm not a writer, I am an artist and a photographer. If I could get these thoughts and images down on paper like I can draw or take a picture, I wouldnt be sitting here now trying to find ways to impress anybody. And I'm not about impressing anybody except myself, so perhaps I'm only stalling on my blog for fear I will fail by my own standards.

As I said in my first blog, it appears all you get is me. I hope it's good enough... For me at least.

The things that have been throwing themselves around in my brain are as follows:

For one, I am so tired of trying to make new friends. Every person I attempt to befriend, is a complete let down. So I am sure that with the friends I already do have, I have all I need. And unless a "real" person floats on by, let's just leave it at that.

For two, I am so sick of worrying about my weight. It would seem no amount of exercise or eating right makes any difference at all. I do more exercise than anybody I know, yet my mid section remains the same. 3 days of kickboxing, 2 days of strength training at the gym, and one day of vigorous yoga (as well as practicing yoga at home), and I still have no luck in coming even close to my goal weight.

After an extensive amount of time of doing so much, I have decided that what I weight is not important. I am more concerned about how I feel. With all I do, I feel pretty darn solid. But my mid section is still completely unexceptable. So, I concentrate on my diet.

My diet. It consists of whatever I am told is the "way to do it". Lately I have been listening to a professional nutritionalist from my gym, who doesnt believe in excluding any food group, but rather that you need a certain portion of everything each day. I have always felt this is the healtiest way to eat, so I have been following it. Although, I never lost a pound - but I felt WONDERFUL. I had a certain amount of protein, starch, dairy, fat, fruits and veggies. At first it was kinda complicated, but now I just do it. However, lately I havent been quite as good with following it, and I am feeling the results. So I must get back on track. It's hard though, because I know I'm not going to loose anything. It's not like a diet where you jump into it and see results in your bathing suit. I just know that I dont feel bloated and my pants fit really nice.

So now I have this pressure to get back on track with that come Monday. Only I'm broke, and I can't go out buying special foods. Any diet you try is expensive. That's whats been happening lately. I have to eat what I have, and we all know pasta is the cheapest thing in the store. I don't even like pasta, and now I'm suffering from it. I feel heavy and yucky. Chicken is horribly expensive right now and my baby spinach is very costly as well. Why is such a pain in the ass to maintain a healthy eating plan?

All the exercise I do you would think a little pizza here, a little grilled cheese there, wouldn't make such a difference. I don't even want to think what would happen to me physically if I were to become pregnant.

For three, I have no money as I've mentioned before. I have so many expenses and I have no money. I just had to get that one out there. I'm sure someone can understand. It's 9:00 on Saturday night and I am blogging, that outta tell ya something.

For four, my house is a mess. I have SO MANY projects and no time or money. I have things I need to start and things I need to finish. I have loads of crap that needs to be thrown out and I think we just need a dumpster. I have missed recycling for weeks (just can't get that one Friday every two weeks right), and I have a garden that needs the dead things racked up. I have a room that with 2 kitty litter boxes that have a bunch of hairballs that need collecting, and I have another room with stuff stacked in it for a garage sale that I need to start organizing. I have Christmas stuff in front of the attic that needs taken up, and I have a guest room with, well a bunch of stuff, that needs dealing with. I have an unused 1/4 full fish tank in my living room that needs emptying and taken somewhere, and I have a broken down computer in my living room that someone wants that has never come to get. I have a whole bunch of drywall sheets in the hallway that need hanging, and all the tools to hang it with as well as tools to paint with all piled next to the stairs. I have a mound of shingles outside on my lawn that I need to pay to have taken away. I have 2 radiators outside my door that I help bringing inside. I have a bay window on my porch for 2 years now that is waiting to be installed. I have clothes that need washing, dishes that need scrubbing, surfaces that need dusting, carpets that need steamcleaned, windows that need washing, and blinds that need scrubbed. I have a pile of bricks in my dining room, I don't even know why. I have a stack of bills that need to be filed. I have things everywhere, and I dont know what they are. I have piles of papers and I dont know where they go. I have junk junk junk everywhere... and I dont know what to do with any of it.

Is there anybody, anybody at all, that knows of what I speak of??? If I ever think that I have nothing, I just have to look around. I have EVERYTHING. In fact, I think I have EVERYBODIES everythings.

I read somewhere once that to achieve inner peace, one must complete all unfinished projects.... so I looked around and found a half bottle of wine, a quarter bottle of vodka, a half smoked cigar, and 3 beers missing out of a six pack... and finished them all and I felt REALLY WICKED GOOD....

If it were only that simple.

I think just venting right now is a step in the right direction.

I am going to go watch Pirates of the Caribbean for the second time instead of doing anything on my list. That's always a good way to procrastinate.